What A Coincidence..(My Life Story)

i am probably the worst blogger ever..
so an attempt to re-whatever my blog and actually write is now under way.
an update from (what is it now?) 3 months of nothingness, organized in a numbered list:
1. I am 16 and have my driver's license, and am working on mastering the art of manual transmission
2. I am "single," and, though this may sound strange since i was the one who broke up with him, i am lonely (of course i was for a while before)
3. i went on an amazing trip to the east coast to visit historical places--i want to be a curator some day, and i think i may have found a college right in colonial williamsburg that i could go to!
4.  I want to move to virginia and work in williamsburg for a while (i want to move NOW) because ever since i went i feel i dont belong at home anymore. which sucks.
 5. tried painting as a creative outlet in addition to drawing, but all i got was a creepy interpretation of something i have only told one person about.. haha
and finally, for now, which leads into the reason for the title:
6. i decided (and you can probably tell from the above list) that i am a whiny you-know-what that over-dramatizes my own mental state.

Story Time
     Once upon a time there was a little girl.  She loved life and was very naive, choosing to see the best in situations.  She had one or two best friends (mainly one) until about 3rd grade, when she became part of a larger group of girls, all very similar in their naivete and giggliness.  They grew up together, into middle school, growing more mature each year.  But the little girl became more and more distant from her first best friend.  This troubled her, and began to wonder why this was happening. She tried not to let it bother her, but it the fact was always in the back of her mind. 
     During this time, she began to think more about God and her faith.  What did it all mean?  She had no idea of what was to come, nor the depth of her Savior's love.  But at this time, it was not her main priority. She desperately tried to stay a child, but all her friends were growing up so fast.
     Seventh Grade was the beginning of insecurity and shock to her naive little mind.  She was becoming increasingly distant from the friend mentioned before.
     Then, a pivitol moment.  The first time she learned of the word "emo." Stupid as it may sound, this word profoundly shaped the next 3 years of her life.  Her friends at school began to conform to this stereotype, and she began to also.  Dark makeup, skinny jeans, black, the works.  Little clones with a subconcious pride of their reputations for being "cutters" and other derogatory terms, though most of them did not fit into the words whatsoever, minus the fashion statement.  But soon they did.
     The not-so-little-anymore girl learned that her closest friend had begun to cut her wrists in order to escape the sadness she felt.
     The girl felt herself falling into the trap of self-harm, despite her best efforts to convince her friend not to do it anymore.  Though, she could never bring herself to fully commit to the lifestyle.  Her self abuse was sporadic at most, and was usually inflicted by the metal end of a mechanical pencil.  She became sick with hate for herself, and soon the world became another object of her despising.
    Around this time, she learned that her friend who introduced her to cutting was suicidal.  A piece of her heart broke, and has never healed to this day.  She tried everything to convince her friend not to kill herself--She even got so desperate as to tell her friend that people who commit sucicide go to hell.  a supremely stupid thing to say.
     The majority of the rest of the story is too long to tell right now, though i am open to saying it later.  The story about God will be talked about in another post.
     To sum up this badly explained summary of my life, i have recently discovered that at least four of my friends have been suicidal, and at least two have attempted suicide once, if not more than once.  most of my close friends, including people who were my close friends at one point, had or have issues with depression.  How is this possible?  Why are there so many people around me with these problems?  Does it just wear off on other people?  I often wonder if my own depression stems from being around depressed people.  I am quite sure now that it doesn't, but still... one has to wonder, what are the odds that a group of people so closely connected can suffer from the same mental illness?  This is a coincidence that leaves me confused and paranoid.

I know i only have two followers, however, i still want to say if theres anything you want to know, ask. please.  and if this is just stupid, i apologize.  but please tell me.  thanks.

Viva las Vegas!

I don't live in vegas. ive never been to vegas, nor do i plan to ever visit vegas.  but, my somewhat, "sketchy," almost halfway boyfriend told me to write about it. so... here it goes.
nevermind. i dont have anything to say about it. ok..

A couple of my friends and i are planning on working on music today.  we were in a band a while back, but theres a long story behind why we broke up.. so now, the bassist/singer, keyboardist, and i (lame guitar) are getting together to create songs to play at a recital.  unfortunately, we dont have a drummer. but anyway... i dont know where i was going with that.  ive been really not good at writing lately, hence no posts.. when i get myself back together, i will post more and hopefully make this worth the time i put into it.

Procrastination

Last night was the first night in a few weeks where i actually did my homework.  Even now, i am procrastinating.  My question is this:  Where is my motivation?  It seems as though  i have a mental block against anything that i am supposed to do.  For example, i love to write (poetry) but when i have to write for school, i suddenly find other things that i have to do, or it actually leaves my brain that i have to do it at all.  It has been so long since i have handed something in on time that i have forgotten how good it feels to be caught up.  Right now, i feel very good.
A song comes to mind, by Breaking Benjamin, called "I Will Not Bow."  the lines "and i'll survive, paranoid, i have lost the will to change. and i am not proud."  strike me every time the song plays.  i find it interesting, and somewhat sickening, how we can recognize the fact that we need to change, and then say that we dont want to.  this is how i have felt for a long time, and it makes my heart and soul heavy.  i feel that God is chasing after me, and i cant believe i am stupid enought to think i can actually avoid Him, that i can disconnect myself from the "utmost important thing i know" (am i understood, by Relient K).
For some time i thought there was something medically wrong with me that caused this spiritual disdain, but then after some long, tough thinking, i realized that im just human.  it was cowardly, yet so prideful of me to think that it wasnt my fault that i was running from God.  i didnt blame God, i dont think.. i blamed satan and his demons.  i think that, during the last few months, the devil has laughed many times at his success in getting me to stray.  he probably still is, because im not back yet.  there are still a lot of things holding me back.  and part of my deadness of faith, to bring this back to the topic, is procrastination. sortof. i mean, i dont believe the whole, "im not going to be a Christian until i am dying" thing, thats just dumb.  but i didnt want (i still dont want) to give up certain parts of me that i know are sinful.  i was dating a boy, i sortof still am, that my parents dont approve of. in fact, no one but a few close friends approve of him.  i knew that i was sinning-- i was disobeying my parents and not respecting their judgement. this sounds stupid, but i was too in love with him to care. well.. i did care, but obviously not enough, or i wouldnt still be with him...  Anyway, another way i procrastinated was with facebook. it was like my therapy when i was depressed. i could just focus on the pictures and the people instead of my own, very few, issues. i was a pathetic mess. i still am, but i am working on it.  Procrastination is deadly. i havent given my whole heart to God, which is pretty much the only thing He requires.
Now, on that note, i am going to use the last ten minutes of class to work on the project i was supposed to be working on for the last 30 minutes.
--little bee

The beginning. Or rather, the middle of a tired one.

To start things off, I am still unsure of a lot of things.  I say this is the middle of a tired beginning because, for a few months, I was a renewed Christian. That is a long story, maybe I will talk about it later. But for now, since I have pages of Bible History homework to do before tomorrow, I will keep it simple.  I want to share my thoughts (obviously, since I just created a blog).  I want to be honest, even if it is sometimes cruel to others and myself.  This whole good grammar thing is going to disappear very quickly...
Anyway, this blog is more of an outlet for me than anything else.. I will leave it at that for now..
:)