i am probably the worst blogger ever..
so an attempt to re-whatever my blog and actually write is now under way.
an update from (what is it now?) 3 months of nothingness, organized in a numbered list:
1. I am 16 and have my driver's license, and am working on mastering the art of manual transmission
2. I am "single," and, though this may sound strange since i was the one who broke up with him, i am lonely (of course i was for a while before)
3. i went on an amazing trip to the east coast to visit historical places--i want to be a curator some day, and i think i may have found a college right in colonial williamsburg that i could go to!
4. I want to move to virginia and work in williamsburg for a while (i want to move NOW) because ever since i went i feel i dont belong at home anymore. which sucks.
5. tried painting as a creative outlet in addition to drawing, but all i got was a creepy interpretation of something i have only told one person about.. haha
and finally, for now, which leads into the reason for the title:
6. i decided (and you can probably tell from the above list) that i am a whiny you-know-what that over-dramatizes my own mental state.
Story Time
Once upon a time there was a little girl. She loved life and was very naive, choosing to see the best in situations. She had one or two best friends (mainly one) until about 3rd grade, when she became part of a larger group of girls, all very similar in their naivete and giggliness. They grew up together, into middle school, growing more mature each year. But the little girl became more and more distant from her first best friend. This troubled her, and began to wonder why this was happening. She tried not to let it bother her, but it the fact was always in the back of her mind.
During this time, she began to think more about God and her faith. What did it all mean? She had no idea of what was to come, nor the depth of her Savior's love. But at this time, it was not her main priority. She desperately tried to stay a child, but all her friends were growing up so fast.
Seventh Grade was the beginning of insecurity and shock to her naive little mind. She was becoming increasingly distant from the friend mentioned before.
Then, a pivitol moment. The first time she learned of the word "emo." Stupid as it may sound, this word profoundly shaped the next 3 years of her life. Her friends at school began to conform to this stereotype, and she began to also. Dark makeup, skinny jeans, black, the works. Little clones with a subconcious pride of their reputations for being "cutters" and other derogatory terms, though most of them did not fit into the words whatsoever, minus the fashion statement. But soon they did.
The not-so-little-anymore girl learned that her closest friend had begun to cut her wrists in order to escape the sadness she felt.
The girl felt herself falling into the trap of self-harm, despite her best efforts to convince her friend not to do it anymore. Though, she could never bring herself to fully commit to the lifestyle. Her self abuse was sporadic at most, and was usually inflicted by the metal end of a mechanical pencil. She became sick with hate for herself, and soon the world became another object of her despising.
Around this time, she learned that her friend who introduced her to cutting was suicidal. A piece of her heart broke, and has never healed to this day. She tried everything to convince her friend not to kill herself--She even got so desperate as to tell her friend that people who commit sucicide go to hell. a supremely stupid thing to say.
The majority of the rest of the story is too long to tell right now, though i am open to saying it later. The story about God will be talked about in another post.
To sum up this badly explained summary of my life, i have recently discovered that at least four of my friends have been suicidal, and at least two have attempted suicide once, if not more than once. most of my close friends, including people who were my close friends at one point, had or have issues with depression. How is this possible? Why are there so many people around me with these problems? Does it just wear off on other people? I often wonder if my own depression stems from being around depressed people. I am quite sure now that it doesn't, but still... one has to wonder, what are the odds that a group of people so closely connected can suffer from the same mental illness? This is a coincidence that leaves me confused and paranoid.
I know i only have two followers, however, i still want to say if theres anything you want to know, ask. please. and if this is just stupid, i apologize. but please tell me. thanks.
