Procrastination

Last night was the first night in a few weeks where i actually did my homework.  Even now, i am procrastinating.  My question is this:  Where is my motivation?  It seems as though  i have a mental block against anything that i am supposed to do.  For example, i love to write (poetry) but when i have to write for school, i suddenly find other things that i have to do, or it actually leaves my brain that i have to do it at all.  It has been so long since i have handed something in on time that i have forgotten how good it feels to be caught up.  Right now, i feel very good.
A song comes to mind, by Breaking Benjamin, called "I Will Not Bow."  the lines "and i'll survive, paranoid, i have lost the will to change. and i am not proud."  strike me every time the song plays.  i find it interesting, and somewhat sickening, how we can recognize the fact that we need to change, and then say that we dont want to.  this is how i have felt for a long time, and it makes my heart and soul heavy.  i feel that God is chasing after me, and i cant believe i am stupid enought to think i can actually avoid Him, that i can disconnect myself from the "utmost important thing i know" (am i understood, by Relient K).
For some time i thought there was something medically wrong with me that caused this spiritual disdain, but then after some long, tough thinking, i realized that im just human.  it was cowardly, yet so prideful of me to think that it wasnt my fault that i was running from God.  i didnt blame God, i dont think.. i blamed satan and his demons.  i think that, during the last few months, the devil has laughed many times at his success in getting me to stray.  he probably still is, because im not back yet.  there are still a lot of things holding me back.  and part of my deadness of faith, to bring this back to the topic, is procrastination. sortof. i mean, i dont believe the whole, "im not going to be a Christian until i am dying" thing, thats just dumb.  but i didnt want (i still dont want) to give up certain parts of me that i know are sinful.  i was dating a boy, i sortof still am, that my parents dont approve of. in fact, no one but a few close friends approve of him.  i knew that i was sinning-- i was disobeying my parents and not respecting their judgement. this sounds stupid, but i was too in love with him to care. well.. i did care, but obviously not enough, or i wouldnt still be with him...  Anyway, another way i procrastinated was with facebook. it was like my therapy when i was depressed. i could just focus on the pictures and the people instead of my own, very few, issues. i was a pathetic mess. i still am, but i am working on it.  Procrastination is deadly. i havent given my whole heart to God, which is pretty much the only thing He requires.
Now, on that note, i am going to use the last ten minutes of class to work on the project i was supposed to be working on for the last 30 minutes.
--little bee

The beginning. Or rather, the middle of a tired one.

To start things off, I am still unsure of a lot of things.  I say this is the middle of a tired beginning because, for a few months, I was a renewed Christian. That is a long story, maybe I will talk about it later. But for now, since I have pages of Bible History homework to do before tomorrow, I will keep it simple.  I want to share my thoughts (obviously, since I just created a blog).  I want to be honest, even if it is sometimes cruel to others and myself.  This whole good grammar thing is going to disappear very quickly...
Anyway, this blog is more of an outlet for me than anything else.. I will leave it at that for now..
:)